SelinaBelial

when i'm alone in a room i forget i exist i knock over a bucket of tea lights and am surprised when it makes a sound spilling out all over the hardwood my coworker asks if i am okay i say yes he asks if i am sure i walk back to the train and hover non-corporeal like the time i got sunstroke how everything went cold and i wanted to sleep on the sidewalk a softer version of that it's startling when friends say my name when my footsteps make a sound when automatic doors open i am relearning how to be a person and i learn slowly through endless repetitions i buy a package of french fries and eat them on the train home

I'm not sure if I keep failing to connect to others or if I'm just greedy for a level of closeness that may not exist

indigo-child with your silver-threaded bones, you are a girl that is more intangible than our tangled heart-strings, a girl made of summer breezes and daisy daydreams and i swear i could’ve kissed you then. gold-blooded girl, your hand whispers against mine like autumn leave skittering down city pavements, your eyes pool into mine like inkblots onto plain parchment, i am stained and i swear i could’ve kissed you then. your absence aches like six more weeks of winter, frost-bitten boys call me to bed with arctic iris fingers, i thaw on your return, blooming with crocus sighs, i grow under your springtime touch and i swear i coul

Do you think I enjoy this? Glass-voiced, cellophane-skinned, toes bloodied with eggshells. Any disagreement splits me open and I crave that closeness. I am too old to lie in the driveway or ask why you didn't text me back. Instead, I keep a notebook, pages cramped with calorie counts and job applications. I raise the curtain, lower it, watch the days slip through without me. Tell me why someone who could be anything would choose the same hunger again and again